Some Enchanted Evening

It's hard to meet someone in the big city -- and it's even harder to meet someone who can get hard.

That's why I feel for 29-year-old Sarah. Sarah (no last names, please) is a comedienne who lives in New York City, and she is a real life virgin. No kidding. And she's looking to lose it -- in a hurry. By November 7th, to be precise. That's Sarah's 30th birthday, and she'd like to get laid before then. Can't say I blame her.

Now, you would think that in a city like New York that wouldn't be all that big a challenge. You head over to Dive 75 at closing time some rainy Tuesday night, and presto! Mr. Right Now is right at your woozy, beer-stained fingertips.

But not our Sarah. She's a little more finicky than that. Or perhaps more inept, I'm not sure which. She claims she has issues with intimacy, but come on -- you'd have to have more issues than The Complete New Yorker not to get laid by the cusp of your 30s.

So what's a girl to do? Well, she put in a call to her favorite magazine, Jane (which tells you something right there). And they have agreed to help her, um, achieve her goal. The dehymenification of Sarah is now underway.

Sarah has a blog, in which she says: "I could totally use YOUR help. Submit anyone you think might be a fit for a quirky gal who has a great sense of humor and loves the Red Sox."

Now, I know what you're thinking. Hey Tom, you're a rootin'-tootin'-macho-he-man, why don't you put yourself forward as the lucky guy to get lucky with Sarah?

Sorry, but it's not to be. Sarah is a fairly fetching young lady, but it's just not possible for the following reasons:

• She's 29, and is thus ten years too old for me.
• She's a blonde, and I'm notoriously peroxiphobic (comes from having a blonde twin).
• The woman's a Red Sox fan. I mean, really. No wonder she can't get laid.
• And if I were to take this chick's cherry, it would have to be a Pay-Per-View Special.

But I do have a candidate for Sarah. In fact, I think I have the perfect candidate for her. Someone who's young, cute and very talented. Someone who's romantic and could sweep a young, innocent woman off her feet.

I'm talking, of course, about Clay Aiken. Wouldn't that be perfect? I know, he's got those dorky bangs at the moment, but come on, we all know that every guy is a reclamation project at first. Either he has to be pried away from his beer buddies or he spends way too many nights at the Garden watching the Knicks lose or he's got a teensy weensy cocaine problem.

But all that can be worked out -- right? Love conquers all, doesn't it?

Look on the bright side. After all, it's not like he's gay or anything...

Tom Moran