Pimp My Party

First of all, an apology. I said I'd never write about a certain bleached-blonde Mohammad Atta of the radical right ever again, and here I am breaking my word. Mea culpa. If anyone wants to accuse me of inconsistency, feel free to do so.

Now then...

Ann Coulter's latest column is a real doozy. And it deserves more than a superficial glance. It simply cries out to be deconstructed. It's practically an X-ray into her sociopathic soul.

The headline is:

"CONSERVATIVES NEED 12-STEP PROGRAM TO MANHOOD."

Well, it's not the fault of conservatives if they can't be as manly as Ann Coulter. And as far as needing a 12-step program goes...

But I digress.

See if you can spot the subtext in this column. It's pretty obvious as you go along, but let me know when you spot it.

"It's pretty pathetic when a Kennedy is too drunk to drive into the Potomac. After the visibly intoxicated Rep. Patrick Kennedy crashed his car into a police barrier near the Capitol just before 3 a.m. last Thursday morning, he explained to the police he was hurrying back to the Capitol for a vote, a procedure known on the Hill as "last call." It could have been a lot worse: Patrick's designated driver that night was Ted Kennedy. "

This is just boilerplate Coulter. When she has nothing better to write about, she slams the Kennedys, with her envy fairly dripping off the page (or the screen, depending on which medium you're using to read her). I remember thinking, when Rep. Kennedy's troubles became public knowledge last week, that Coulter was going to be so bummed because she wouldn't be able to write about it until the next Wednesday, at which point it would no longer be topical.

Well, our girl never lets the fact that something is old news get in her way. In spite of the fact that the "news" was almost a week old, she leads with it anyway. Way to stay topical, babe. I can certainly understand why she'd want to write about a given Kennedy's problems with pharmaceuticals as opposed to, oh, I dunno: a) Bush's toilet-level poll ratings, or: b) the fact that the government has been spying on almost all the phone calls of its supposedly private citizens, or: c) the fact that so many retired generals have been demanding the resignation or firing of Donald Rumsfeld, or: d) the fact that we're pushing a nuclear confrontation with Iran in order to avoid dealing with the utter failure of this administration's foreign policy.

You know, boring crap like that.

Miss Coulter continues:

"Coming right on the heels of a three-year witch-hunt directed at Rush Limbaugh for an addiction to prescription drugs (because of his politics) — as well as the continuing threat to put Tom DeLay in prison (because of his politics) — you would think there would be at least some serious discussion of prosecuting the young Kennedy for his addiction to prescription drugs, too.

Perhaps the Republican attorney general in Washington needs to interview Democratic Palm Beach prosecutor Barry Krischer, who wasted three years and untold taxpayer dollars trying to frame Limbaugh, about the danger to society of prescription drug addiction.

Baseball has a system to protect batters from being hit: If your pitcher hits one of our guys, our pitcher will hit one of your guys. This is also the only argument that ever works with Democrats."

Boy, isn't this revealing? The fact that Rush Limbaugh was a drug addict and did go doctor shopping (aside from all the other things he did to feed his habit), and that Tom DeLay was and is a crook is of no concern to Coulter. Totally irrelevant. The facts don't count. They're just being targeted because of their politics. Boo-fucking-hoo.

And the fact is that there's no evidence that Rep. Kennedy got his medication through any but legal means. If any such evidence exists, then perhaps Miss Coulter should put up or shut up.

"Democrats adored the independent counsel statute — until it was used to catch an actual felon in the Oval Office. Then they noticed all sorts of problems with the law. Democrats swore up and down that women never lie about rape — until that same felon was credibly accused of rape by Juanita Broaddrick on "NBC News," not to mention the four other card-carrying Democratic women who described being raped by Bill Clinton in eerily similar detail in Christopher Hitchens' book "No One Left To Lie To."

Of course, the fact that people in this country (at least, unless Bush has rescinded that little item in the Constitution) are innocent until proven guilty, and that Bill Clinton has never been indicted or charged with any sex crime in any court of law whatsoever that I know about -- none of this has any bearing with Miss Coulter. If someone says it of a Democrat -- especially if it's said on television -- it's true. I find her faith in what conservatives like to call the mainstream media kind of touching.

But if a prosecutor says it in a court of law about a Republican, it's a goddamn lie. Even when (or perhaps I should say especially when) said Republican has copped a plea, as Limbaugh has.

Anybody spot a double standard here? Not to mention that her continuing obsession with Bill Clinton is becoming more than a little... oh, I dunno... creepy?

Now comes the good part:

"Democrats have declared war against Republicans, and Republicans are wandering around like a bunch of ninny Neville Chamberlains, congratulating themselves on their excellent behavior. They'll have some terrific stories about their Gandhi-like passivity to share while sitting in cells at Guantanamo after Hillary is elected."

Here's where the subtext of Miss Coulter's little screed comes out into the open.

The Republicans have had total power for the past few years, and they've totally fucked it up. It is no longer remotely possible to deny it. They're going to go down in flames in the mid-term elections, and quite possibly lose the White House in 2008, and Miss Coulter knows it -- and it scares the living shit out of her.

"For a political party that grasps the concept of victory against foreign enemies, Republicans can't seem to grasp that concept when it comes to domestic enemies. Instead of taking a page from Sun-tzu's "Art of War," when it comes to fighting liberals, American conservatives prefer the Jimmy Carter unconditional surrender strategy.

Patriotic Americans don't have to become dangerous psychotics like liberals, but they could at least act like men."

By "like men," of course, Coulter really means "like Ann Coulter."

I'll skip over the part where she advocates violence against a Yale student she claims is a Talibanist (although God knows she'd howl loud enough if anyone were to attack her physically for her insane beliefs), and go straight to the end:

"Conservatives may shrink from confrontation with howling, violent liberals, but as General "Buck" Turgidson in "Dr. Strangelove" informed the milquetoast president still hoping to avert a nuclear confrontation with the Russkies: "Well, Mr. President, I would say that General Ripper has already invalidated that policy."

Well, conservatives, I would say liberals have already invalidated your "Let's all just get along" policy.

The violence and threats of imprisonment have started. Now the only question is whether conservatives will choose victory."

You can just smell the desperation, can't you?

The trouble is that conservatives can't "choose" victory, because their policies have already lost. The war in Iraq is a shambles, and Bush's current Iraq policy certainly seems to be "try not to lose for the next couple of years and after that it's Hillary's problem."

They deserve to lose. And even a sociopathic lunatic like Ann Coulter can't deny that reality.

Tom Moran