Sorry, Charlie

The Charlie Sheen-Denise Richards divorce is getting nastier than usual in Hollywood -- if that's possible.

And the problem here, for Sheen, that is, is that there is a fundamental disparity of power in this conflict. Charlie Sheen in a divorce case is like a guy trying to hit a Randy Johnson fastball blindfolded. There's no way he can win, given his track record.

This is what Reuters is reporting:

"Actor Charlie Sheen was ordered on Friday to keep at least 300 feet away from his estranged wife, actress Denise Richards, and their two young daughters after Richards said in court papers he had been abusive and had threatened to kill her.

Sheen, star of the hit CBS television series "Two and a Half Men," denied the charge and the judge agreed to his request that all telephone conversations between the couple be tape recorded.

Sheen was also granted one-day-a-week visitation with his daughters, Sam, 2, and Lola, 10 months, provided it was done under supervision."

Now this divorce has not gone nuclear yet -- most people who have been involved in these things now what I mean by that -- but from the looks of it it's coming pretty damn close.

The Reuters story says that:

"According to a written declaration to the court, Richards said she had considered asking for restraining orders against the 40-year-old actor several times but was talked out of it because she was told that "by my doing so, I would impact (Sheen's) image and cause others to lose their jobs.

"I am filing this now because I can no longer accept (his) abusive and threatening manner and must stop him from the cycle of his abuse toward me and our children and his continued threats of violence and statements that he is going to kill me."

Richards said Sheen, the son of actor Martin Sheen, abused prescription drugs, gambled compulsively, frequented prostitutes and liked to look at pornography on the Internet."

Let's look at these charges individually:

1) Abused prescription drugs. So does half of Hollywood.

2) Gambled compulsively. So what? It's his money.

3) Frequented prostitutes. So what? It's his penis.

4) Liked to look at pornography on the Internet. Now you're going too far!

Oh, my God! He likes to look at porn! Lock him up and throw away the key!

I don't want to sound too flippant about this because any divorce can be considered a bad thing, particularly when it's acrimonious and children are involved.

But Jesus Christ, who the hell did she think she was marrying, anyway? Billy friggin' Graham?

Charlie Sheen, at the time when Denise Richards married him, was a known quantity. He was a notoriously compulsive pussyhound who blew a lot of money on booze, drugs and prostitutes. He dated porn stars and had a well-publicized drug problem. If Denise Richards, knowing this, decided to marry him anyway, then she has no one to blame for her current situation but herself.

Does that mean I believe her charges that he constantly threatened to kill her? Not particularly. I don't necessarily disbelieve them either, but since she's still breathing for the time being (and because she doesn't claim that he actually harmed her physically) I think I'll give Sheen the benefit of the doubt for the moment, particularly since he insists on having a record of their phone conversations, which would seem to indicate that he has nothing to hide.

Sheen is trying to maintain a dignified silence in the press, which is probably the smartest thing he can do at this point. Nobody is helped at this point by flinging charges around in the press. I'm hoping that one or both of them takes a deep breath, calms down a bit, and tries to find a way to come to some kind of amicable solution for the sake of their two kids.

And Charlie, from now on, stick to hookers. They're a lot less trouble in the long run. At least with a hooker you know you're getting screwed. And the price is agreed-upon in advance.

Tom Moran