"Castration Without Malice"

This is a pretty nifty story, you must admit. It's dated April 1st, so I suppose it could be a prank on the part of the AP, but I'm hoping it isn't. Because this is just too good.

"Three men have been arrested on charges of performing castrations on apparently willing participants in a sadomasochistic "dungeon" in a rural house, authorities said Friday."

Like it so far? It gets better.

"Sheriff's investigators said Richard Sciara, 61, Danny Reeves, 49, and Michael Mendez, 60, admitted performing at least eight surgeries, including castrations and testicle replacements, on six consenting clients over the past year. None of the three is licensed to practice medicine, officials said.

The suspects, all residents of the house in Haywood County, in western North Carolina, where the surgeries were allegedly performed, were arrested Thursday. They were being held on $150,000 bond each and could make their first court appearances Monday, Bonfoey said.

The sheriff's office had investigated reports of sadomasochistic acts at the house in 2004, but concluded there was nothing illegal going on because the participants appeared to be willing adults."

Still with me? Believe or not, it gets even better.

"Detectives who searched the home Wednesday found medical supplies that included scalpels, sutures, bandages, anesthetic and artificial replacement testicles, sheriff's officials said.

Also seized were videotaping equipment, and video recordings of the surgeries, sheriff's officials said. Photos and videos made at the "dungeon" were apparently featured on a locally produced sadomasochistic Web site, officials said.

"This right here beats anything I have ever seen," Sheriff Tom Alexander told the Asheville Citizen-Times, which reported that victims may have come from as far away as South America."

Okay, I admit it -- that last bit is my favorite part of the whole piece.

Can't you just picture it?

"Honey, why do you have to leave Buenos Aires on such short notice?"

"I have to fly to America to get my cojones chopped off by a couple of crackers in North Carolina."

"But do you have to do it now?"

"I'm really sorry, but a space just opened up. Don't worry, though -- you can watch it on the website."

They're being charged with 10 felonies, including "castration without malice," which is my new favorite phrase.

It's too bad Hemingway's dead -- I think he could have had fun with this one.

Tom Moran