Put Charles in Charge!

The armed forces of the United States are stretched dangerously thin. Recruitment is way down, as there seems to be a silly misconception among America's young people that getting their balls blown off in a foreign country might not be the best way to help improve their prospects for a future career. Members of the National Guard are being used as a de facto press-gang in a manner that suggests the kind of indentured servitude that you might think had been outlawed by the 14th Amendment. If some crisis were to erupt somewhere else in the world needing the attention of the United States military, we would be in serious trouble. We just don't have the cannon fodder -- I mean, the forces -- to get the job done.

So what's a right-wing administration to do? They know they can't institute a draft (at least an official one) without all hell breaking loose, and they also know that they can't rely on an all-volunteer military anymore, since the troop strength isn't nearly commensurate to their dictatorial ambitions. So how in the world are they going to plump up the military to a size large enough so that they can conquer the entire planet and everyone on it?

And then it hit me. The perfect solution to the problem. It not only solves the troop strength dilemma, but it solves several other difficulties at the same time. And it saves the taxpayers money. You like it already, don't you?

Like most elegant solutions it's obvious once you hear it. Just empty out all the prisons in America and send the convicts to Iraq to fight the insurgents. Let's start with Charles Manson. Now here's a guy with proven leadership ability. Why waste him in a prison doing nothing but getting "three hots and a cot" at taxpayer expense when he can be over in Iraq blowing the hell out of insurgents and the occasional innocent civilian? Put Charles in charge of a division of death-row inmates and watch him kick some Iraqi ass. The insurgency would be over by next Tuesday.

Now it's obvious that Charlie is getting on in years, and he might need some motivation to go over to Iraq – besides the obvious one that he would get to kill people again. So here's what I suggest. We tell all the convicts that if they go over to Iraq and kill as many insurgents as possible, when they come back to this country we'll give them all an unconditional pardon and $1,000,000 in cash. Sounds good, doesn't it? That's more or less the offer they're giving high school kids to enlist, so why not do it for convicts? Of course, a lot of them will get killed while they're over there, so for them it won't be an issue.

But what about the ones who do manage to make it back to the States in one piece? Well, the answer's obvious, isn't it? Double-cross the little bastards and throw their scummy asses back in the hoosegow the minute they step off the plane! That'll teach them to trust George W. Bush!

Except for Manson, of course. Bush should probably appoint Manson his next Secretary of Defense. Of course, there might be a slight problem with the fact that Charlie is an elderly psychopathic lunatic, but then again, that hasn't exactly stopped Donald Rumsfeld, has it?

Tom Moran